If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
