Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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