Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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