Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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