I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
