I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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