i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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