weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
