and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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