Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
