Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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