look no pants
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
