WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
