Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
