you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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