Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
