I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
