My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize