Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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