My liver just broke up with me...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
