I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
