When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
