ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
