thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
