My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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