mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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