I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
