Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
