she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
