K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
