Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
