I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
last night I used snow as a chaser
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize