I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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