I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
