She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
