hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
