I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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