dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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