I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize