I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
