No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
