You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
