can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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