Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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