I CAN MOONWALK!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
