there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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