Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
