rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
