Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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