the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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