His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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