I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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