enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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