Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize