just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He better not be in your backpack
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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