My liver just broke up with me...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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