So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
